Dances with Aliens or Avatargully the Last Rainforest

CGI: I am the amazing, cutting-edge, revolutionary, spectacular, almost inconceivable, computer generated imagery that is the one of the few reasons you should bother seeing this movie. Put on your 3D glasses and you may very well wet yourself. I make George Lucas look like an infant pounding his fists on the keys of an Apple IIe.

Story: Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Dune, Ferngully the Last Rainforest - except with less structure, conflict or substance.

Jake “Sully” Sullenberger: a.k.a. John Smith – I am the archetypal hero. I’m damaged goods, but devoid of much backstory, depth or emotion. I encounter very little conflict or resistance, and therefore never have to make a decision. I play the Avatar video game all day (now available on Xbox and Playstation 3), and at night, follow orders blindly and without a care, until it’s beyond too late. The Na’vi people will train and eventually follow me, because, well, they’re morons.

Neytiri: Pocahontas with ‘tude – I give one of the better performances in the film, worthy of mention, but ultimately my material is limited. Like Jake I face very few challenges or choices, except mothering him, and therefore falling in love with him, because I must have an Oedipal / Narcissist complex, as there’s no other logical reason for it.

Dr. Grace Augustine: I’m the tree-hugging scientist-type. I’m angry at the corporation who is paying my bills, and has clearly come to exploit the planet Pandora, but turn a blind eye as long as they let me frolic in the forest in my little red riding hood costume. I’ll do absolutely nothing either, until it’s beyond too late. Growl, growl, tee-hee.

Norm Spellman: I can spell, man! I have nothing else to say or contribute.



Colonel Miles Quaritch: I’m the big, bad, army guy. Bark-bark, woof-woof. I care about nothing, except beating down the natural life of Pandora for absolutely no discernible reason. I’m gonna tear out some throats and sh—what? PG-13? Oh, well, I’ll just rain mass genocide on the men, women and children of the Na’vi people then, with absolutely no care or inhibition on the part of myself or 99.9% of my men. That’s okay, right?

Trudy Chacon: Grrrr… grrr…



Parker Selfridge: I’m the head corporate schmuck. I’ve come to Pandora to plunder the ultra rare mineral “Unobtainium” (get it? get it?) or what I like to call “Macguffium” which is worth billions, but apparently does absolutely nothing. The cost to launch this endeavor, with all the ships, troops, robots, and technology, easily has to run in the billions, or inflation has decreased the value of our currency so much that billions are now worth nothing, but then the mineral would really be useless, so, oh, I don't know...

Tsu'Tey: I am the archetypal, tribal male rival for Neytiri’s affections, though I’m really not much of a rival, because this film has almost no real conflict or tension. If you Google Image Search me, you'll have a hell of a time even finding a picture of me to miniaturize into a thumbnail.

Epic Battle: I come at the end, because, well, that's where epic battles belong. You’ll care very little about either side involved, or the vast majority of participants who partake in me, but hey, it worked for Episode One, right? Right? Well, it made a bundle of cash, anyway…

James Cameron: I'm the director of this visually-stunning, technically ground-breaking, yet otherwise infantile, motion picture. I just cemented my place in history, with my second sub-par, blockbuster, mega-hit. Having conquered the ocean after Titanic, I'm off to conquer space: the final frontier! See you in ten years suckers!