Sherlock Holmes Kicks Ass

Snatch on Baker St.

Watson, I dare say, I’ve discovered the scientific method for kicking ass.

You don’t say, Holmes?

Take this silly chap for example, I shall clout him on the ears, dazing him, then hit him on the knee, throwing him off balance, followed by a poke to the eyes, punch to the stomach, knee to the balls, karate chop to the neck, and kick to the shins. Look now, see? He falls over.

Amazing!

Ah, but fighting for money bores me! Let me perform wacky, dangerous experiments, and then drink my self into oblivion.

Careful, Holmes.

Nonsense Watson, don’t mother me. Now, I’ve discovered the scientific method for making a dog pass out. Glug, glug, glug. KA-BOOM.

Holmes, are you alright?

Yes, yes. But wacky experiments and drinking bore me!

You could come and meet my fiancé and finally give me the approval I have been seeking for so many months.

Is she a goer, eh? Does she go?

Holmes! I’m scandalized.

Say no more! Let’s go see this harlot.

Hello, Mr. Holmes. I’m honored to meet you.

Whore!

Holmes!

I shall now tear her to shreds, for I have discovered the scientific method for being a jackass.

Cry!

Holmes, I can’t believe you!

Believe it, Watson. But using my detective skills to push emotional buttons and tear women to shreds, bores me! Let’s chase after my ex-obviously-a-two-timing-thief-of-a-whore-that-I’m-obsessed-with-lover!

But, Holmes, she’s the only one that you can’t see through, even though you know exactly who and what she is and shouldn’t trust her as far as you can throw her.

Hello, Holmes. I’ve just fleeced you.

Damn!

See!

Shut up.

I know what you need. Another case!

Yes, yes. Let’s go after that Lord Snagletooth Blackwood fellow. He was hung in the first fifteen minutes of the movie, right after saying cryptic, prophetical, things, so he's sure to rise from the dead.

I have risen from the dead.


Count Chocula?

No, Lord Blackwood, just as I predicted!

How do you do it?

Elementary, my Dear W—

None of that! None of that Arthur Conan Doyle rubbish in this film.

I loved you in RocknRolla, by the way.

Thank you. Now I shall perform all sorts of magic and mysticism that clearly has to be otherwise contrived, as everything else thus far has had a scientific explanation, and it shall all involve the Knights Templar and Masons and other secrets orders, because ever since The DaVinci Code all movies must contain secret orders!

I shall defeat you, Blackwood, not by using my detective skills to track you down, but rather by doing some more drinking, and fighting, and otherwise gallivanting about, and then explaining it all with deductive reasoning after you’ve already been stopped.

Really?

Yes. There! You are caught!

Brilliant.

Thank you, thank you.

But now, look the police have found this Joker card – I mean, there’s this Professor Moriarity fellow, and he stole part of Blackwood’s machine, so…

Off to the sequel!

End.