The Blindingly Mediocre Side

I’m a rich, southern, MILF! I strut around doing what ah' want, and ah' don’t listen to nobody, and it never has any ill effect on me. Ah' also do incredibly generous things, and am probably very remarkable in real life, but all I’ll prove in this movie is that Sandra Bullock CAN act if she really concentrates, and therefore will WOW everyone in existence! This movie is principally about me, because ah' find Big Mike and take him in out of the goodness of my heart, and a life-long dream to develop football players. Say hello, Big Mike!

…

I’m a rich, southern, Taco King! I like football and the occasional quickie, and that’s about all you’ll learn about me. I’m the only one that can rein my crazy wife in! Wait, no I can’t. I can’t even stop her from bringing a mammoth teenage kid into my house, which with no other information about him, could certainly, reasonably threaten my family, even though anyone who says or thinks that is judgmental! Come on in Big Mike! Here’s some money!

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I’m the zany, crazy, comic relief kid! I easily get as much screen time as Big Mike, who I love and adore, though there will also be no real depth to my character. This movie will clearly launch my career and I will enjoy all the fame and reward of child actors like Jonathan Lipnicki!

Audience: Jonathan Lip-who-cki?

You know, Jerry Maguire, and… hmm… ah, well, waka-waka! I love ya, Big Mike!



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I’m the teenage daughter no one notices or cares about. My mother pressures me to exceed at volleyball, and that’s about it. No, really. There’s nothing else here. What, you heard that in real life I sacrificed days of my life, and my own studies, to help, Big Mike? Well, there’s none of that here, except a throwaway scene where I’m not at all bothered about being teased, and oh, I sit with him at study hall. That’s something. Right, Big Mike?

I don’t like being called Big Mike.

Oh, he spoke, he spoke! Break through! Oh, break through! It’s a miracle! Free at last, free at last!


I CAN talk. I’ve just clearly experienced a great deal of suffering, and feel as a foreigner in these lands.

But you’re big! And you can really move, even though ah' have no reason to know that, so you’ll make a great football player!


I will? But I don’t know how to play football… I’m from the ghetto after all, what’re the chances?


I’ll show you.



Wow! I CAN play football. Now I’m famous, and every college wants me. Let the money roll in!

Audience: Wait, where’s the amazing story we were promised? Nothing difficult or unbelievable has really happened in this movie. Technically it’s been alright, but I thought this was supposed to be about a poor kid who makes good? What about the scene where he hugs his new “mother” for the first time? Some real emotional development? What about triumphing in football? One obligatory game scene and that’s the extent of his struggles? Some trumped up NCAA bull, and then… what? It’s over… really??

Awards shows here ah’ come!